Met on tinder. We met at a bar I frequented to see how we would click. We were there about 10 minutes before the barback spotted me and came to our table. I thought he was there to say hello. Nope. We spent the next hour listening to this poor man’s life story and talking him off a ledge. He ended up starting to cry and just walking out of his job.
We go to continue our date when my roommate sent me the our safe word because she was also on a date at a concert close to us. So I told him I had to go get her. She was unsafe. He offered to come with me in case it was something bad. Nope. She was just so drunk she couldn’t figure out how to order an Uber. We collect her and go to my apartment. She yells at him the entire ride that he was saying my name wrong (he wasn’t). And then crying about being a failure.
We get to the apartment and I’m 4’11 and my roommate was 5’6. My date was 6’3 so he helped me get her to our third floor apartment. She proceeded to throw up on him not once, not twice, but 3 times. 1 for each flight of stairs. So I’ve already decided I’m about to suck this man’s soul directly from his body. I was dedicated to making this night better for this man. I may not have been able to save the night, but at least I could make it worth it. I should also note, I like things pretty rough. So I am encouraging this experience to be pretty intense. I’m thinking “Ooook. This is good. I’m working this”
We go to switch positions. Ya girls favorite. Face down ass up. When we get about 4 strokes in before all the sudden this man leaps off my bed having a full meltdown. After I realize what happened and got over being mad everything had stopped I look at him naked, limp and screaming and I realize, he had one of my press on toenails stuck to his pubes.
I then realized Gery was experiencing 3 crisis’. 1) He thought he had gotten so rough he separated my toenail from my body. 2) I didn’t flinch or react when said toenail was removed and finally 3)that my mutilated toenail was now touching and attached to his body. My man went through all 5 stages of grief all in under a minute. Looking back I realize that I’m probably the story he tells when someone asks if he’s ever met someone online.
If you’re out there Gery, I’m sorry.
submitted by /u/The_Iron_Grip
to r/Tinder [link] [comments]